the heartbreak chronicles

It really felt like things had panned out that way for a reason. There were so many things that went wrong previously that lead up to that moment. My headshot  pictures that morning, the terrible weather, the family meal that was happening back in town that was another reason (along with the terrible weather) that led to the cancellation of plans, the electricity being out in most of town, all of which led to all of us being stuck inside your childhood home. Which is the first time I had seen you in years and zaaammmm  bwoi you was looking foine. Snacktastic. Scrumptious. I was not going to let the inner thot in me out until your sister said "he always thought you was fine since high school" URCH. (record scratch)

That's all I needed to hear to shoot my shot. So I flirted with you. I didn't think it would go anywhere. It was just supposed to be harmless. You're still married, I don't know if you're getting divorced or not. So I went home after about six hours, roughly half of that was spent flirting with you, but i didn't think any more of it. Until your sister texted me that night on your behalf wanting my number. And then we talked. Usually when I meet someone new the conversation and snaps start to die a few days in because we just aren't that interested in one another. Which i thought would happen. But silly me, I forgot the dog bed your sister gave me at the house. So i went back the next day. And you asked me to get food. And I have my mom in my car and I have to go to Walmart so I say no. As I'm walking through the store, you ask me to get coffee and I say that I can let you know once I get home. I do and you come and pick me up. We drive to Lafayette, you get coffee and then we go to the park. We swing (you thought you were too good for the swings) but i convinced  you to get on. We talked a lot, had some pretty deep convo for the second time we hung out.

After we were gone a few hours we went back, you asked if i wanted to come over for a while until you put your son to bed. I said I had to work in the morning at 4am so it's a no from me chief. You text me again the next day and ask to see me before you go back to florida. I come over after work. Like the day before, you are super touchy feely. I am like wtf. I left after a while to let you take a nap, you walked me out and to my surprise you kissed me. I was freaking the fuck out. Because I wasn't expecting that at all. I panicked. Over the next few days we text but the texts are kind of dry and the conversations don't last long. But we had a snap streak and for whatever reason i figured that if we had that snap streak that i could just continue to find a reason to talk to you every day. and it worked. that's one of the cool things about being a woman, men are usually so dumb that getting what you want from them isn't that hard. I remember calling you out on being so dry all the time, you said there was a reason. You didn't want us to get too attached.

Another time you said you were sorry for kissing me because you were going to try and work it out with your wife. That about broke my heart into a million pieces, I think I cried myself to sleep that night. We stayed acquaintances, though. That is until I went to Florida in May and you went on TDY. You started to talk to me more. You said you and your wife weren't going to work it out. We started video chatting more. We did every night that I was in Florida now that I think about it. Not small chats either, hours and hours of staying up talking about whatever. They didn't stop once I got back from florida either. Those video calls leaked into other kinds of communication. Texting all day, snapping all day, calling me every night multiple times, calling me when you woke up in the morning. It was like for months straight we just couldn't get enough of each other, we never ran out of things to talk about.

Our conversations would stretch into the early hours of the morning, fucking my sleep schedule up majorly, but our conversations were so good, our connection was just so damn good.  You got deployed and I just knew I'd be fine while you were gone. But I haven't seen you since July and it started to get really hard. One of the many reasons I don't respect this entity. It was very hard and I have been crossing the days off my calendar since you left. But lately things haven't been great. We were fighting a lot. Your apathy was pissing me off. You were being distant and I could see it, I was getting much less effort from you than I ever had. You didn't even respond to me sometimes. You tried to say that nothing was wrong but I knew better. About a month ago, I wanted to take a break, things were becoming too complicated and I was being forced into a situation that I wasn't comfortable with. You whined like a crybaby so I took back wanting to be on a break and we were fine again until now. Now you've decided that you're having so many bad days that we just have to be broken up because "it's not fair to me". You're right, I am getting half ass effort from you. Excuse me. I was. Because we aren't together anymore.

I feel kind of dumb for making all those blog posts about being so in love, but at the same time I don't. Because at least I was honest and real and open. For once, I was all those things I was so afraid of being.

You see, the thing about you is that you only care about yourself. Which I should have been able to tell from the time that you stabbed your best friend in the back. The person you claimed was like a brother to you. The person you consistently bitch about missing so much when your selfishness is the thing that fucked your relationship up. That should have been a red flag. Because if you're willing to risk the friendship of someone you claim you love like a brother, then why did I think you would give a fuck about me? But because I'm the way I am, I did what I wanted to do without using my best judgement because I was already in too deep. I knew pretty early on that I was in love with you. Even though you said it first. Being in love with someone is a wonderful feeling and thinking that someone is in love with you is even better. Getting all this positive attention, being in a relationship that was actually healthy, real communication, being told that they never want to stop being around you. All those things sound pretty when they're being said but eventually they come to an end, because everything ends.

A week ago you were so lucky to have a girl like me, and two months ago I was nearly certain that you were the person of my dreams, and now we aren't even speaking.

I can't help but feel sad. I know so many people were against it. I was even against it because love is a scam and relationships are things that your brain cons you into thinking you want. They're distractions, they are messy, they are hurtful but while they're happening they're so good. You were the first person I opened up to in years. It was nice. It was so nice, it was unexpected. And now I'm just sad about it all. I feel like nothing over the past few months was real. I feel like it was all a big lie. I want to wonder if anything you ever said to me was true, but I don't think I want to know the answer. I thought you were different and for a while, it seemed like you might have been but in the end, you folded on me just like everyone else. I know that the odds are that one day you'll come back, because without me, you're missing out on a lot. I know you know that. I know that I'm a once in a lifetime find and that anyone who fucks that up is an idiot. In a way I guess I do have to grateful to you though. For one, you made it easier, less painful by disconnecting from me over the past few weeks.

Some days, I would forget you even existed. But I always reminded that you do exist, and you brought out a part of me that I didn't even think was real. You made me feel so good, so pretty, so empowered sometimes. Despite all that, you never ever put my feelings first. Not once. I let so much slide. I let so, so, so much slide. Stuff that I should have hated you for, but didn't and still don't. Things that should have showed me who you really were. Things that should have earned you the number one spot on my block list, but every time I looked at you, every time I heard your voice, I melted like a Hershey's kiss on a hot day. And that's a dangerous kind of love, that's the kind of love that wants to put your feelings first no matter how much it hurts mine. That's something I can't afford.

Maybe one day you'll grow up, maybe one day you'll change. I am so sad that we have these things, these plans, these lists of all this shit we were going to do, that are just never going to happen, because goddamn I wanted them to happen. I wish i even knew why I was so sad to begin with because we were never really anything, were we? I mean, you were separated but you were still married. Married with a hell of a lot of complications. I couldn't even post a picture of us together on social media. There were just so many things that weren't good and weren't right. It's partially on me for my undying pursuit of it but you kick started it. Because in the end, you are just a selfish. spoiled brat who doesn't think about anyone other than themselves, who needs to stop feeling sorry for themselves, who needs to grow the fuck up. I know you aren't satisfied with your life and at the rate you're going, you will settle for everything in your life and be unhappy forever. I hope you change that.