expect the unexpected

that's a motto that i usually never live by, because i am always expecting something to happen. usually i have plans A-Z running through my mind as soon as the slightest thing goes awry.

but sometimes, the sweetest things come into your life unexpectedly. i never expected this to come as far as it has. i never thought that i'd be spending hours and hours on the phone with you, sometimes just listening to you breathing and being content with that.

i didn't think i'd ever get out of the phase of not wanting anyone to be close to me because i'm afraid of what will happen if i allow myself to be vulnerable. but the truth is, you have made me very vulnerable, and it's one of the scariest feelings i've ever felt in my life. but it's also given me so much to look forward to. for example: all your phone calls, every single one of your snaps, every time you tell me i'm pretty, every time you give me sweet eyes, every time you laugh (which cracks me up by the way), and i especially look forward to the next time i'm going to see you.

every time i'm with you, i feel the calmest i've ever felt. which is really weird, because i'm never calm. like ever. but at the same time i feel like

i've never met someone who cares so much about every detail about everything i say. or who is so thoughtful, like you took me on probably the best day i've been on thus far. you're one of the kindest people i know. but that's only when you're the sweet version of yourself, sometimes you turn into the demon version of yourself and i just have to roll my eyes. ugh.

i know this is not the ideal situation for either of us, but i can't lie, i'd rather do this long distance shit with you than the whole face to face thing with anyone else. which is another weird thing, because i do not like distractions. it was never a priority to meet someone. it was never part of the plan to care about someone the way i care about you. like i know your order at wendy's and starbucks. i'm still listening to this damn six hour playlist you made me. i've spent entire weekends with you. i can't say that for anyone else.

don't get me wrong, you ain't perfect. you drain the life out of me with your fuckery sometimes. literally. you corny. af. you die laughing at your own jokes when they are far from funny. you do some selfish shit. you got road rage like a motherfucker. but you still my fave.

thank you for just being here and being your weird self. even on your bad days, even when you drive me up the wall, even when you got an attitude or are extra, you are still so appreciated. you bring a lil something to my life that no one else has yet to do. i'm so grateful. and i'm so grateful to know that this side of myself exists.

i'm pretty sure i knew a minute ago the way i felt, but i just didn't say anything because 1. i had to let you say it first, just to prove a point and 2. it feels way too soon to be saying it but since we talk, text and snap in literally every moment of our free time, all this is just to say i love you, ugly. no whatever. i definitely wasn't expecting you to walk up in my life like you own the place, but i'm happy you did.