When life gives you lemons

In this week's episode of "My life is spiraling out of control" we are on the same old bullshit. What a fucking tragedy.

Where should I start? First of all, I'd like to express how much I absolutely deplore myself over the fact that I had a ton of whimsical, wonderful, witty (you like that alliteration?) analogies and references and a million other ideas that I had that would make me sound smart and clever and like a great writer. All of which washed away literally the second I cracked my laptop open.

Kaitlan - 0

Universe - 1

My life still seems to be in a constant downward spiral.

...Well maybe that's an over-exaggeration. I am very dramatic, things are never quite as bad as I think they are, they could be tremendously worse.

I know I can't be the only one at this weird point in your life where you really have know idea what the fuck you're doing. I am going to be 24 years old and I still feel like a child. I constantly feel lost, my search for direction is fucking unending.

I really hate looking for something that I feel like I should have at least found a piece of by now. Like damn, I know at 23, I won't have all the makings of the life I always dreamed of but can I at least get a little piece of it? A small one?

accurate depiction of me trying to put my life together

The job search continues. I relentlessly hunt Indeed and LinkedIn, day in and day out. It makes my brain burn. Imagine going to college and getting a 4 year degree and graduating and realizing that professionals in your field have rendered your degree useless and the only thing you learned in those 4 years is that higher education is a scam. I digress.

I'm sure anyone who reads this is someone who knows me and if you know me, you know that I hate my current job. The one I've had since high school, the retail nightmare. My anxiety gets so horrendous when I'm at work that I get the worst headache. That magically vanishes the nanosecond I sit down in my car.

my thoughts escaping me like

I have to get out of there and because of that, and also because of the fact that living in my childhood home is also driving me to drink, I've decided that if I am not employed somewhere I want to be employed at by the end of the year, I'm going to bite the bullet and make the move to somewhere I want to be. Somewhere I can grow and learn. There is nothing here for me any longer and no room for me to grow. If I stay, my roots will dry up and my petals will wither.

I'm learning that sometimes people don't want to give you a chance, sometimes you have to pave your own way for things to work out, so it looks like I'll continue doing that until I figure out my place in the world. I don't know what it is and I don't know when I'll know when it is. But I'll tell you what I want, I want to be stable doing my own thing, whether that be acting or freelance PR or blogging or photography or teaching pole class or decorating cakes or podcasting. I want to learn on my own accord, I want to express my creativity in my own way.

And then there's relationships. Romantic, nonplatonic relationships. Which I have spent so much of my time avoiding and here one landed in my lap unexpectedly. And now that I have it, I don't wanna let it go. I'm really in love out here bitches. And because of that, I keep thinking of everything that can go wrong and every way that life could bring us apart. It stresses meowt. It makes me wonder if I'll have to relive the trauma of heartbreak I'd felt in the past. I wish I knew why I was like this. I never liked the idea of a woman giving up her career to follow a man and that is something I know I'd never do and I know it would never be asked of me. I mentioned these concerns to my mentor aka my fairy godmother. She said that life throws you curve balls, sometimes somewhere you don't wanna be is exactly the place you need to be. Although I can't see the sense in me still being in my ugly hometown with this booty ass job. In my humble opinion, life is a twisted bitch. I meet someone that I really like, for maybe the first time ever and our paths could potentially be completely different. What a drag.

I proceeded to tell her that I have been asking for a sign. Asking God, the universe, Stevie Nicks, whatever higher power is listening out there for a sign. Can I get a sign career-wise, relationship-wise, something to let me know I'm in the right direction or something to show me what direction to go in. Because I'm lost. I have no compass pointing me due North and if I do, well I think it's broken. She advised me not to make up tragic scenarios in my head, to which I replied (and I'm trademarking this quote by the way so no one get any ideas), "I am an actress and a writer. Tragic scenarios live in every crevice of my mind." Which is the truest thing about me.

I often worry myself sick about things that never even happen. I've been like this since childhood. A nervous person. A worrier. There is photo evidence that I used to pull my hair out of the sides, causing me to look very Mr. T like in my toddler years. I guess it stuck with me all the way to adulthood. Which btw who let me be an adult anyway? I still eat dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets. I can't help it though, not the nuggets, the worrying. I know as humans, uncertainty is not something that sits right with us. That's what gets me. The not knowing, the fear of missing out, the unspoken notion that I could wake up tomorrow and life as I know it could be changed in the blink of an eye.

My mentor told me that usually the common sense fairy usually comes back to reel us in from the fuckery and drama that we create in our own minds, but I must have been late when they handed those out. Sometimes I feel like all sense (and sanity) have flung themselves through the window because they were so tired of living inside my cramped mind. Well I got news, sometimes, a lot of times, I get tired of living in my own head too. It's tiring and I can't just turn it off. I can't just not worry about stuff.

Anyway, your twenties are supposed to be exploratory and liberating and blah blah blah, this and that. But life ain't a teen movie or a coming of age indie film, it's real shit. It's gritty, it's hard, it's shitty and it's confusing. I know when life gives you lemons, you're supposed to make lemonade. Boo. You want me to be an adult, well in that case, when life gives me lemons, I'm going to get some vodka and make a lemon drop.

But despite all this shit, just know that I am grateful. I'm employed, I don't make nearly as much as I want or need, but I have income. I have health, I have supportive people. I'm constantly learning new things, a dope ass mans, a functioning brain and a bed to sleep in. I just gotta move it from a twin to a king.

That's all for now folks, I'll try to keep my inner Drake at bay for now.