2019 Year End Review

WARNING: I'm about to talk about my personal life quite a bit, so if you don't want to hear about it, feel free to school to the pop culture shit down yonder.

It seems like not that long ago that I wrote my 2018 year end review and here we are again. Time is still a social construct and resolutions are still stupid. When you look back on the days they seemed long but the time passes by quickly regardless. It's like that saying from one of my favorites authors "the days are long, but the years are short". I started off my year with reading her book, it's called "The Happiness Project". I would highly recommend it to anyone who wants to feel happier or more fulfilled in their life. I've got to say it certainly made me happier, I felt better, more grateful, more open-minded. I had my vision board and my manifest list and things were going really, really great at the start of the year. I did quite a bit of filming, which was great. I love acting as much as I thought I always would and I'm pretty decent at it. I accomplished a lot of goals that I had set for myself despite the fact that I am so hard on myself all the time. I finally started and released my podcast. It's not the most well thought out. well put together or best true crime podcast out there but it's mine and I'm happy I accomplished something I'd been putting off for over a year. I also finally left my hometown, even if it was only temporary.

I came to New Orleans to follow my career. The whole situation stressed me out so bad, it did some terrible things to my body, but I needed this. Someone had finally given me a chance and no way was I going to pass it up. I would just have to figure things out. Which I did. Things actually fell into place pretty nicely. And I'm glad I came out here because I learned some things that I did and didn't want. Like for one, I definitely don't think I want a desk job. My neck be HURTIN'. I want to be out, creating. Creating something that I like and not something that I have to create for someone else's sake. I got a second hustle at LUSH. Yeah, the handmade cosmetics place. It's kind of a dream? I really hate to leave it. Other retail jobs I've had have SUCKED. The clientele, the coworkers. This job has made me not want to kill myself every time I clock in. It's kind of fun, but it's not a forever thing.

I thought I wanted to live in New Orleans, another thing I now, do not want. I've gotten more tickets here in 3 months than I have my entire life anywhere else. There's a parade all the time for some random reason, there's never anywhere to park, the air smells like turds and there's generally too many people here for me. Something weird is always going on in this damn city. The macaroni and cheese here disappointed me as well as a number of other things. So without actually trying, I found out the New Orleans maybe isn't the city for me. I'm actually a firm believer that Louisiana just isn't the state for me. Now that I've dipped my toes into New Orleans, I know that I need to make that next step up outta here.

Another big thing that happened this year is that I think I fell in love. I've never been in love before until now. I know myself well enough to know that this was different. He was different. He brought out things in me that I didn't think existed. It was scary to think that I could feel that way about someone. It was scary to open up to him. I knew I loved him probably from the minute I saw him, which sounds weird because I've known him for years but we were just never on that level. And it was that kind of love where you let yourself fall way too hard, too fast and it just doesn't hold up, because speaking realistically, love just isn't enough sometimes. But I just didn't care because there was no one else but him, sometimes I still feel that way. A lot of people told me that because of the circumstances I couldn't be in love but I know that I was. It didn't work out and even though I know that happened for a reason, it still feels like getting punched in the gut every single time I think about losing him. I know the timing wasn't good and I hope that one day in the future I'll look back on this and it'll make sense why things happened the way they did. I hope one day in the future, the timing will be right. Because being loved by such a sweet, sensitive man was a better feeling than I could have imagined. I hope he heals and I hope he grows and I really hope to has the courage to be unafraid of what life has to offer him and break out of cycles that make him unhappy. Because from here on out I'll be doing the same thing.

It's like going through the stages of grief, only thing is I'm not sure when I'll stop bouncing back and forth between anger and depression. Because I am so goddamned angry. But I don't want to be, I want to be at peace. I'm digging deep into my heart to find the forgiveness I want to have. Love is an addiction and when it's taken away, your brain reacts the same way it would react toward any other addiction. Slowly, but surely, I'll get over mine. As I'm writing this, I'm debating if he should even get his own mention in my post, because I don't want to give him that much importance because he fucking hurt me, but if we're being honest, he was my first real love, my first real romantic involvement, my first real anything, and some part of me will probably always love him even if we never reconcile. so I'll give credit where it's due even if I have to give it to a complete dickweed.

I got close to some really great people this year, and pulled away from some who weren't that great to me. As you get older, you see who your real friends are. Or you lose some and make better ones. A few wonderful people have gotten closer to me this past year and have helped me through some of my roughest times and I'm so grateful to you. I honestly wouldn't have made it without you, looking at you Meagan Perkins. Meagan and I are soul sisters in so many ways. We got close because of a similar situation that we were in and we've continued to go through similar things in the past few months and I think that's only made us closer. I'd truly like to thank her and her kind soul for bringing my light in moments of darkness.

As the year went on, it seemed that things seemed to get more and more complicated and I started having worse moments and then I moved to New Orleans and it's like things started to go downhill even more. Lately though, things have been picking up. I feel happier, I feel lighter. I'm allowing myself to feel joy and take risks and maybe that's something I always needed. I needed to be away from home to realize that I need to be really be away from home. I needed to have the experiences I've had and grow in the ways that I have, and even though I feel like some things this year tore my heart apart, I'm grateful for them.

Since I'm a slut for pop culture we're going to get into that and we're going to start with movies because I love me some movies.

MOVIES

1. Us - First off, I would have watched this movie simply off the strength of it being another Jordan Peele masterpiece. But this cast! Lupita, Winston Duke! A power couple if I ever saw one. Us was so eerie and haunting, I don't think I'll ever look a carnival fun house the same way again.

2. Avengers: Endgame - I will NEVER forgive them for killing the best and brightest avenger, Iron Man. Our beloved, brilliant, billionaire, sarcastic Tony Stark, sacrificed himself to defeat the purple, ribbed dildo, otherwise known as Thanos. I can't believe I sat for 3 hours with a crick in my neck to watch my favorite avenger die right before my eyes. I shed real tears. Robert Downey Jr. really deserves all the credit for bringing life into this character. He was the best and only choice for Iron Man and no one will ever, EVER fill his shoes. It was sad to see the end of an era. It really feels like losing a part of yourself because so many of us grew up with these films. Now it's up to Spider-Man and Thor to pick up the favorite avenger torch and carry it into Marvel's bright future.

3. Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile - This movie was so good. I hate to continue to give Ted Bundy anymore attention, but this movie was just well done in my opinion. Zac Efron beautifully captures, what I believe is the essence of what captivated so many women about Ted Bundy. Lots of critics complained that this glamorized Bundy or made him "appear to be charming" but that was literally the case back when he was in the news for these crimes, women were really hot in the twat over him. It's not Zac's fault he played the part well.

4. John Wick: Chapter 3

5. Booksmart

6. Ma

7. Rocketman - It did not live up to bar that Bohemian Rhapsody set and that's that on that.

8. Spider-man: Far From Home - Jake Gyllenhal is the dick of the century, how dare he smear Tony Stark's good name and then Peter Parker's.

10. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

11. Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark - Literally the things that terrified me as a child have come back to haunt me in a film. I didn't love every part of the plot, but it was still scary as fuck. The scary ass artwork from the book was brought to life in every horrifying way imaginable. If you wanna clench your butt during a movie, this is the one for you.

12. Where'd You Go Bernadette

13. IT: Chapter 2

14. Dolemite is My Name - I didn't think this movie was going to be as good as it was, but it was great. Eddie Murphy is funnier than ever and the Dolemite, underdog rises to the top, we! love! to! see! it! Perfect movie to watch if you ever need motivation to believe in yourself.

15. Knives Out - I haven't even seen this movie yet but i LOVE whodunnit movies, i love murder mysteries and i love chris evans. This movie has been called the best murder mystery movie of all time and I'm here for it. I can't wait to see this movie. I love a challenge.

16. Doctor Sleep

17. Hustlers - Only help women, only scam men.

18. Serenity

19. Marriage Story - I'm so over Scarlett Johansson. I could use a little more Adam Driver, though. I'm sure anyone who is reading this has been affected by divorce in one way or another. They made a movie about it.

20. Someone Great - I felt this movie so hard when I watched it. Heartbreak man. It does it to you, it was still a really good movie. You learn to let go. You learn to move on. Life happens. Gina Rodriguez still problematic af tho.

TV

Preacher: The Final Season - I can't believe my favorite show in existence has come to an end. It was a fitting ending and I'm so sad to see all of my favorite quirky characters go. I doubt another show or comic will come along that will touch my heart in the way this one has. Tulip O'hare is the female character we all needed when we were younger. We stan.

Euphoria

When They See Us - Another example of the broken system and the incarceration of young, black men.

The Politician - I took Emily's advice and watched this show and wasn't disappointed in the slightest. It's funny, sad, and relatable af, especially if you don't know what you're doing with your life or ever faked your own kidnapping and ran away to New York.

I am the Night

Umbrella Academy - Vanya is possibly the most irritating female character I've witnessed and I hate to say that about a female character. If it wasn't for Klaus, I'd have cut this show off long ago.

Raising Dion

Dead to Me

The Act

One Sentence Horror Stories

Creeped Out - This is a children's show but it's somehow still terrifying. I don't know who is letting their children watch this but please stop.

Living With Yourself - Very weird. Two Paul Rudds, but that means twice as attractive and twice as funny.

Killing Eve - Jodie Cormer and Sandra Oh deserve all the awards. This show is a masterpiece, I respect a ruthless woman, it's the kind of woman I want to be. I also respect a woman who will stop at nothing, I also want to be like this. Eve and Villanelle are both respectable in their own way. I admire so many things about this show and these actors. I wish it would never end.

The End of the Fucking World Pt. 2

Stranger Things 3 - If the writers thought they would somehow redeem Billy by him sacrificing himself, they thought wrong. Sucks to suck.

Riverdale - Jughead is apparently dead?

Good Girls - Rio is apparently dead?

ALBUMS

Norman Fucking Rockwell - I will literally follow Lana Del Rey to the ends of the Earth. I love her ability to stay the same but still give us something different. Ugh, we love a contradiction hunny.

Thank u, next - There were some BOPS on this album. Ariana came for wigs this year.

Fever - It was the year of the stallion. Hot girl summer all day, every day. Meg the Stallion is the ultimate role model for women in my opinion. She's living the dream, touring, rapping her ass off on top of being in school. She's a woman who is smart, intelligent and scholarly who is shaking her ass and talking about sex. I've decided to just stan forever.

7 - Also if you didn't take your horse to the old town road, then what did you even do this year?

Hot Pink - Doja Cat brought the heat with this album

Kirk - DaBaby has injected his personality and stage presence directly into the bloodstream of hiphop and i love him so much. He genuinely loves what he does, he cares about his fans and his craft and he has this eagerness that you can't help but feel too. I want him to go far. And he brought the fuckin Jabbawockeez out.

Amo - I'll be emo for life, not sorry.

Some news that shaped 2019:

The fucking government shutdown - I'm not going to get on my soapbox about this damn country and this fucking government.

El Paso shooting - More proof that you can't even leave your house without the threat of being murdered at random by some terrorist white boy with a gun. I'm sick of the media giving them all the attention they want and dubbing them "mentally ill" or "a loner". They are murderers and terrorists. And our government is allowing us to regress by not passing gun laws because of the money provided to them by the NRA as well as letting us die in the streets like animals because healthcare is so damn expensive. This country is a joke.

Area 51 raid - People were really butthurt behind this but honestly it was a giant nerdfest and also, what's wrong with wanting the government to stop lying to us HUH?

Women's World Cup - Our team won and instead of appreciating that people still found reasons to be complete twats about it. And this is why we can't have nice things.

Notre Dame Cathedral - Part of the Cathedral burned down and seemingly overnight money was being poured into helping to rebuild this. But it took how many years for Flint to get clean water? There were pallets of water and food that needed to be sent to these islands that were destroyed by a hurricane? But yall raised money for this dusty church because it's considered "art" when there are causes of lost lives that are ignored. BYE.

Hurricane Dorian - This hurricane came through and destroyed The Bahamas, this was deemed to worst natural disaster in the history of the country. The damage was catastrophic. About 3/4 of homes were destroyed, roofs were ripped off, people were swept away with the storm surge, many died or were reported missing.

Joe Burrow - Our LSU quarterback won the Heisman trophy and they put a Lil Boosie song on his video. He has officially been initiated into Louisiana, welcome home with yo foine ass.

Greta Thunberg - This young girl has managed to infuriate every white man in the country! And all because she wants a better future for herself and the rest of us. The pitiful excuse of a president that we have has gone as far as to mock her for her facial expressions, which come to find out she has Asperger's. I think she's doing great, if it takes a 16 year old girl to stand up to this idiots that the planet is burning, then fine. Just the fact that you live here and should want to live a quality life but what do I know?

All female spacewalk - This is history. It shouldn't have taken so long to get this but here we are in 2019 and it's finally happened.

Cyntoia Brown - Cyntoia Brown was granted clemency after being sentenced to life for killing a man when she was 16 years old. The case is certainly a complex one, there seems to be no black and white here.

Simone Biles - Simone became the most decorated gymnast in World Championship history, love that for her.

Royal Baby Archie - All I'm going to say is that yall are going to stop disrespecting my duchess, Meagan Markle. The racism this poor woman faces is horrendous and people should truly be disgusted by it. That has nothing to do with the baby but he was born.

College Admissions Scandal - Rich, white folks buy their kid's way into better colleges than than they can get into on their own all the time. Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman did this for their kids and everyone lost their goddamn minds. Let me learn you something, we have literal rapists, stalkers and abusers walking around all over the country, particularly in Hollywood, there's even one in the white house. And yall think I'm about to be phased by some white women who wanted to buy their kid's way into a good school? Don't get me wrong, they are rich, white women. You already have more privilege than most and you managed to fumble that, tsk tsk. Do I think it's right? Nah, but y'all are prepared to crucify these women and send them to jail when actual criminals walk free. URCH, bye.

Hot Girl Summer - I did not partake in hot girl summer because I was trippin but I respect the movement!!!! Hot girl summer 5ever. It's all about having fun and being carefree and living your best life.

Popeye's chicken sammich - You assholes acted the whole fool behind this sandwich that wasn't anything special. Some of you really need to be crucified for your actions behind a sandwich that has been there and simply rebranded. Anywho, good job on Popeye's PR team because them rebranding this sandwich caused literal pandemonium, but really if anything, this shows the power of social media, particularly Twitter. Twitter can truly make or break you out here.

I was going to talk about some moments that defined the decade but there are too many and I'm having a hard time typing with these long ass acrylics anyway. But I'm welcoming the whoring 20s with open arms and I hope you will too. If you do want to read about some notable moments you fan check them out here, there are some irrelevants but some are goodt.

ELLE

Redbook

Refinery 29

In every moment I'm evolving. Hopefully you continue to evolve too, Because if you aren't you're staying stagnant and clearly that will get you nowhere.