Taking the leap of faith

At some point in our lives, we all have to do things that we are afraid of. For some people that may mean leaving your comfort and stability in pursuit of the life you’ve always wanted, it may mean leaving someone behind that you know isn’t any good for you, it may mean starting over somewhere new.

It seems that this year my faith, for whatever reason, needs to be tested more than before. Which I suppose makes sense, shit like that usually happens in your twenties. I always thought I would be one of those people who had it all figured out after college, but it seems that no matter how hard I try, no plan I had wanted to fall into place. And I’m sure there is a reason for that and I’ll see that when I look back on these times years from now, but as of now, ya girl just needs a break.

I’ll be taking my own leap of faith next week actually, starting a program in a new city that I’m sort of familiar with but not really. It doesn’t scare me that I’ll be in a new working and learning environment, no, there are a million things that I thought of that are way more terrifying than that.

For instance, finding somewhere to live was a bitch and a half. I really almost made the decision to sign a six-month lease in New Orleans. So let’s see, a six-month lease with no certainty of what was going to happen once this three month program was over with. And on top of that I quit my job (well, I had quit my job, but now I’m just on leave). Luckily I found a woman on Craigslist (you read that right) and I’m going to be rooming with her on a short-term basis.

See at first I had it in my mind that I would just stay in New Orleans. Which, yes, I desperately need to leave Abbeville, but then the thought that came to my mind once I actually sat down and thought about it was, why would I move out here and bust my ass most likely doing what I’m already doing at home (where I do not pay rent) plus it’s almost guaranteed I’d need another job just to make ends meet. WHY would I want to do that to myself? I don’t. I already don’t know if I’ll be able to pay my bills during this three month trial.

I was actually so sure that I’d stay in New Orleans in my irrational, PMS-riddled brain that I quit my job, whilst sobbing heavily to my assistant manager. I think it was God’s way of looking out for my dumb ass that my actual manager wasn’t there when this happened.

I’d move to New Orleans if I had a full-time job there, doing something in my field or similar but otherwise, why would I do it? I’d be closer to my lil baby boo cutie patootie, but where would I have time for him in between those two jobs? How would I have time to do acting? Which I LOVE.

So even though this isn’t a permanent thing (unless the owners of this program just love me so much that they hand me a nice shiny job on a silver platter) this is still a new chapter of my life. I’m still going to return to the comfort of my home and job (even if I hate it) and regroup and think about my next steps. Which is looking a lot like grad school.

While we’re on the topic of leaps of faith, another one that I am consistently taking, is this long distance relationship. And I do mean long distance. Is Kuwait far enough for you? I know it’s only temporary but it is far from easy. It’s also very, very scary. Especially for those of you who are like me and constantly need to be reassured.

Because I’m already wary of relationships, I’m already cautious about letting my guard down and letting someone close to me. But I did, and I’m still afraid it’ll end up badly. I think we’re both at a point in our lives where we don’t know what our next moves will be. I know someone is reading this and thinking “why can’t you just live in the moment. Enjoy what you have while you have it.” Well BITCH, I’m a planner, I am a no-nonsense, “I need to know now” kind of person. But I know that things 9/10 will not work out like that, I can’t just know what’s going to happen all the time unfortunately.

Thankfully, I have friends that are much more level-headed than I am who have talked sense into me. I tend to think myself in circles, what if this happens and what if that happens and usually I think of worst case scenarios in the event that those scenarios actually happen I’ll be much less hurt. Honestly though I don’t think any of these worst-case scenarios have ever come true.

Turns out that anything that bad things can happen in a relationship whether they live next door to you or whether they’re 1000 miles away. So maybe I should just relax, and continue to be grateful for this dope ass person that came into my life.

It’s hard for me to stay positive sometimes, I’m a cynic by nature I guess, an overthink for damn sure and it’s something I try to get myself out of but I can’t always do it.

So often we backtrack and wonder if the decisions we made were the right ones. All our meticulous planning and careful choices can fall apart on a whim. Things happen at the moments they do and you can take them as they come or cry about them. I personally cry about them for a while before I actually sit down and reflect on it.

So here is me putting my gratitude out into the universe. Even though trusting someone or making changes can seem like the end of the world, the choices you make now, don’t have to be the choices you make forever.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.