Betrayal & forgiveness

I heard somewhere that the people you cherish the most will, without a doubt, betray you. And for my whole life, that's pretty much been the case. At this point, I don't even know why it surprises me. Maybe it's because, despite all my cynicism, I still want to see the best in people. Even when they don't want to see it themselves.

Lately, life has been really fucking weird. I met a person, who really brings out a side of me that I never knew existed. A part of me that I never thought would exist. And even though they have only been around for a short time, I'm confronting my feelings head on and coming to terms with the fact that I really, really like them. And that's scary.

I've never allowed myself to be so open with someone, on account of my daddy issues. I've only always been closed off, cold, standoffish. I'm not exactly sure what it is about this person, that made me stop being those things. It could just be that I'm finally coming out of a lifelong depression and am finally developing emotions, but I think it's a lil bit of both.

Last time I was in therapy, I told my doctor what was going on, of course I left out a lot of details, because the situation is more complicated than I let her know. I think that's mostly because I knew she would advise me against it and I just didn't want to hear that. I only told her the good stuff. I only told her how they make me feel, how this is something foreign to me and I was really scared by it. She asked me what I was afraid of? I replied, "I don't know, I could get my feelings hurt."

She took a deep breath and said, "Baby, listen (she called me baby which is a huge deal because I love my therapist lol) your feelings are going to get hurt in life no matter what. You can't let that make you cold. You have to live your life

I almost wanted to cry. This was no life changing revelation but was somehow still really profound. Like why didn't I come to this conclusion sooner? Why was I drinking that dumb bitch juice that was allowing fear to stop me from living my life? Well, I just told you why, because I'm a dumb ass lol.

I will tell you this, this person has already done something that betrayed my trust in a way. And you know, I'm not one for giving second chances, because forgiveness is something I'm not really a fan of. You're probably reading this like "damn, is she a fan of anything?"

The answer is NO. I don't wanna open up and I don't want to forgive shit. But whatever. Anyway, I don't like giving people the opportunity to hurt me, I don't like giving too much of myself to anyone because no one is going to have my back like I have my own back. But I know you can't live your whole life like that. And I want them to have a second chance because they have brought out this whole other side of me. Turns out this side of me is kind of cool, even though I sometimes I feel myself slipping back into my old habits.

My second example, is a friend of mine, or someone who I at least thought was my friend, did something that kind of caused a domino effect of unsavory events to occur. I kind of feel like she did it on purpose. If I'm keeping it really, really real with you, despite being a stone cold bitch for the most part, my feelings were kind of hurt. I feel like she purposefully sold me out. I really can't wrap my head around shit like that because, I'm a solid person. I'm loyal, I'm diving behind my people and I always expect to get the same treatment in return. Which sadly is not always the case. I just want the same energy that I give other people.

I want to stay upset. I want to be really mad. I want to fight about it, I want to rip my pillow apart. I want to do that white boy shit and punch a hole through the sheet rock. But I won't do any of that, because it ain't gunna change shit. Because no matter what, people are going to do what they want to do, regardless of how they make you feel. But what's the point?

Resentment makes you bitter, It turns you into someone mean and heartless and unforgiving. So you forgive them and you move on. Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you have to continue to tolerate their mistreatment of you. So just know that. No amount of apologies can make up for some things. You forgive for your sake. Which brings me to another thing my therapist said that was actually a life changing revelation. She said that, "When someone does something to hurt you, you have to tell yourself that they saw no other option. That what they did was right in their mind. That's the only way you can keep your sanity."

That really made me want to cry. Because it really just clicked. And I really want to cry writing this, because that just doesn't seem like a fair way to have to look at things. But that's how it has to be, I guess.

So moral of the story is, everyone is going to hurt you, and your response to that pain, I guess, is how you determine what kind of person you are, It's okay to forgive someone for doing something wrong to you, but you don't have to continue to allow yourself to feel this way but if you do, and you end up being wrong about giving a second chance or if you get hurt, forgive yourself.